I am an author and publisher. I have to say that to myself in order to see myself as an author. I shy away from it because others may not see me that way. Fear causes me to see myself through their eyes. Oh, that's just Phyllis, she nothing special.
I'm still fighting to see myself as special. Not special in an arrogant, narcissistic way. I'm special in that I am an author. I did it. I wrote and published a book. I'm challenged everyday to step into the being because I downplay my accomplishment. I downplay it because I still have to go out and earn a living.
I am special. I am an author. What will it take for me to fully step into that part of who I am without feeling I'm a fraud?
I watched a video this morning of a guy sitting in front of a grocery store playing the guitar. It was transforming to watch the dexterity of his fingers. His eyes closing out the world as he played for himself. His guitar case open to collect the coins of those who passed by hoping to make enough change so he can continue to play for himself.
I want that feeling. The feeling of knowing I'm special. I'm an author and publisher regardless of how others see me because I can write a story that may never been seen by eyes other than mine. I can close my eyes and type at my keyboards as if words were magically made for me to manipulate, unfold, and create a world of my own.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face because I am special. I am an author and a publisher. I will say it until I believe it. I am no longer that little girl who gave up writing because no one saw a future in it for me. Ah, yes. It comes back to the money.
Finding validation in how much of myself can I sell. Am I not an author or publisher because I may never sell a book? No because I've sold books. Should I not help others write their stories because no one may buy their books? They deserve to share their stories with the world. But for that damn dollar sign that we so quickly tether or self-worth to. I am worth more than what I sell.
I am special. I am an author and publisher. It's just a label for something I do but it carries so much weight. It's not what I want on my headstone. I don't need it on a t-shirt. I do, however, need to believe it, not glorify it. If I don't believe it, I will give up and think myself not worthy of joy and happiness because I didn't believe.
SAY IT! I am special.