How many times did some grown person tell you, "Just wait til you have kids" or "Wait til they get older." It is the generational parenting curse uttered around the world I'm sure.
I didn't begin to understand parenting until I became a parent. It is a lifelong lesson I'm sure. As much as it pains me to say, not as much as it should, but I don't like my daughter right now. I want to run away and come back I don't know when. The drama, the lies, the attitude, the friends, the bullshit is so unnerving, frustrating, and induces anxiety unseen by those around me.
She is both the joy of my life and the pain in my ass. She is influenced by the cyber wold of youtube, memes and fictional characters. On days like today I'm so angry I want to release her into the world unprotected so she can see she's not as smart as she thinks she is. On days like today I don't want to care and be caught up in my hurt parental feelings.
Each time we experience one of these types of days I want to resurrect my mother to apologize and ask her to remove the curse. I reflect and realize my mother's justification for some of the things she did or said to me. I reflect and know that my world is not my daughter's world and I shudder. There are days like today when I send her with her dad to shield her from the hateful words that sit on the tip of my tongue like a double edged sword just waiting for the right moment to cut her down to size.
I do my best not to continue the generational curse of negative speak over my daughter. As angry as I am I bite my tongue and shed my tears knowing that this too shall pass. I sit and think what if God allowed me to run amuck as I want to do with her when she makes me angry. Faded memories are not so faded that I don't realize I would surely be dead by now.
So today as my daughter rides with her father, I will ride with mine. I will talk until I reach a peace that surpasses all understanding. I will weep as Jesus wept, Him for the loss of His friend, me for the loss of my patience. I will speak life until I feel life's return. I will sing praises until I feel joy. I will continue to break the generational curse of parenting because I know I am not alone in more ways than one.
Phyllis has been writing since she was a teen. Her favorite thing to write back then was poetry. A family friend who was in the music industry wanted to turn one of her poems into a song but she never pursued it. Her debut book, Morgan Mischief, was written with her daughter who was nine years old at the time.
Phyllis is a successful entrepreneur who owned a financial advisory business. She later owned two popular restaurants with her husband. She is an alum of Goldman Sachs 10K Small Business Executive Program. She is an alum of Leadership Long Beach Institute. She is a former member of the Long Beach City College Culinary Advisory Board.